92. Letting Go 3: Let Kids Find Meaning in their Lives through Work and Travel

My brother GK recommended an article about a gentleman named Nick Chirls' at times horrifying tenure at Lehman.

Mr. Chirls didn’t know what he wanted out of life, so he took a finance job, and realized how terrible it was. He quit and took a job that he actually enjoyed.

I was lost as well, until I studied engineering and in my heart realized I was more artistically than technically inclined. I finally committed to architecture.

My parents raised me well, but there were two big items missing from my childhood: work and travel. If I had started both earlier in my childhood, I would have discovered more quickly what I wanted in life. 

Work:

I wish my parents had not enrolled me in summer school, but rather encouraged me to get a job, or start a business.

During college summers, I took various jobs. I packed clothing into boxes with my friend THG. The other warehouse workers were good and honest men, Japanese American like us, who could have been double my age, yet were doing what we were doing.

In no other venue would I have met people such as them, and I remember thinking I aspired to more than what they were content with. They didn't have families, they didn't seem happy. It was strong motivation to continue with my degree.

Travel:

I tried to combine work and travel after sophomore year of college. My friend ML had inspired me yet again with stories of Mr. Simón Vélez, known for his bamboo architecture in his native Colombia. I called Mr. Vélez and got a job on one of his construction sites.

When I told my mom, she had a breakdown. She sincerely believed I would be abducted in that country run amok, and my organs auctioned off. I called Mr. Vélez back and told him I couldn't do it.

I did convince her to allow me to go to Europe for five weeks in August. She agreed to foot the bill, since she had denied me a job.

In Madrid, I stayed with my cousin TY, who had grew up in Japan, and taught me how to pair tapas with wine. I befriended a rail-thin Transylvanian named Igor, who invited me into his home in Torino for the week, and took me to a biker rally.

Less fun were the times when I made stupid mistakes: once I handed over my passport to someone claiming to be a guide. I was later extorted for it's return.

I returned with a full sketchbook; I placed select work into my portfolio. At job interviews, it was typical for the interviewer to stop to admire those quick sketches and ask about my travels. Those sketches helped me land jobs.

When my kids are old enough to work and travel, I will be tempted to say “Sounds fun, let's go!” Yet I can't, since I know how important it is that they go it alone.

91. Racism: A Personal Take

Dear Readers: I will be taking a 7-week creative writing course in Berlin starting June 11, and sometime before that I will downshift the frequency of posts so I can concentrate more on my course. I anticipate posting my work on this blog. 

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“That Vietnamese man is working soooo hard!”

The grandmother had been chatting with Sara when she said this, while she watched me scrub toys.

"That's my husband," Sara pointed out. 

It was a “volunteer's day” at the zoo-kindergarten, where parents came to build, organize, and clean. Prospective kids' parents came and networked. Most adults feasted and chatted, and didn't help. No wonder I stood out.

When I heard this story from Sara, I had to laugh.

If I were still living in the US, I would have been offended if someone called me Vietnamese, or Chinese, or anything else besides Japanese or Asian. I was raised to be proud of my Japanese heritage and ethnicity.

I was also influenced by my parents' racism toward pretty much all other ethnicities. They grew up in another world, so I can't expect them to change. However, I am deeply ashamed of having let them influence my heart so much to discriminate against other ethnicities, and I didn't even realize it until I came here.

Especially because I was never directly discriminated against in the US.

I haven't been discriminated against in Magdeburg as well, as far as I have understood. A few times over the past 1.5 years people have made comments about slanted eyes, or whatnot. However Germans also typically self-deprecate, so I don't really feel they are singling me out.

Otherwise, people expect me to speak German and be culturally competent. My experience has elevated my view of Germans.

I am less racist than before. My heart is more open to different people. I now know what it feels to be an immigrant, to start to embrace a country that is unlike my home, to start to love her people who are unlike my countryfolk. To be a stranger who tries to become familiar. And I hope her people can start to love me in return. 

90. House Dad 11: Ala Ala Barça

Someone was banging at our door and rattling the door handle.

DB and I were at a rental flat in Barcelona's El Poblenou district. It was five days of Maennerurlaub (guy's vacation) for DB and I.

I just wanted to relax in this beautiful city, without the family. Now I had to deal with some rude neighbors. 

As I opened it, I saw a woman and two men stood in the dim fluorescent light.

My experience as a house dad has inured me to immature people screaming in my face. I got by with body language and a few Spanish words, standing impassively in the doorway.

The stubbled man had a paper, emblazoned with various seals, with the flat owner's name, Russian and multi-syllabic, although the last name was different from her online profile. When I asked to take a look he turned away.

People who wanted to rip us off wouldn't have wasted so much time typing up forms, would not have stood about yammering. 

The flat is illegal, they said, and wanted to see the owner. I said she wasn't around, and brought them the contract from the internet middle man.

DB joined us, looking well rested, and when apprised of the situation, asked the police to come in.

They mouths hung open a bit, but their eyes were still wary: who was this Asian dude who spoke American English? Who was the ambiguously Asian dude who asked if they spoke German, and why was he extending casual hospitality to three strangers dressed in black. 

When DB and I spoke German to each other, I hoped they wouldn't allow the embarrassing loss of Barcelona vs. Bayern Munich (0-4, Bayern Munich) to get in the way of their professionalism.

After more discussion and note taking, they left. I believe they concluded they couldn't kick DB and I out since we held a contract with a third party, and I appreciated their fairness. Mustache man, the leader, extended his hand to thank us, which I shook with a nod. They didn't ask anything of us.

They never raided the place while we were there, and we got our security deposit back from the owner's agent. He was in a good mood, probably because we didn't break anything, like he said other guests had done.

We didn't mention his boss was a wanted woman.

Ala Ala Barça.

89. House Dad 10: Steve Jobs on his Kids

“It's 10,000 times better than anything I've ever done.”

 - Steve Jobs, when asked if he was glad he had had kids by Dr. Dean Ornish.

When Mr. Jobs said this, he had been dying from cancer for some time. He had reflected on his priorities. 

When I read this, I embraced my role as house dad more strongly. I’ve spent a lot of time on career, and in the long run, my time with my kids is short.

88. House Dad 9: What Makes a Man of the Family?

I'm trying to develop a very personal, concrete definition of what being the man in my family means. Thus far I've found it means I must:

Do the Dirty Work

Sometimes the work is about real dirt: I maintain the car, clean the oven, wash the apartment windows, wash the kids' butts. Filthy, all of them.

Other times it's about fun: I show the kids earthworms, give them snails to handle, try to catch frogs with them. Scaring Sara with these small animals is particularly fun.

Be First Responder

Sara is good at spotting crises before me. I believe it's because, when we are all together, I don't keep a constant eye on the kids, since Sara's happy to.

Example 1:

While visiting my parents, we went to the beach with friends to watch the sunset. The kids played happily, and my back was turned to them.

"Your son is drowning!" Sara screamed.

I spun and raced to scoop up Thomas, who had been caught by a tiny wave. He seemed traumatized, but turned out fine. 

Example 2:

Sara slammed Emi's fingers in the washer door.

"Your daughter's finger is caught in the door!" Sara screamed. 

 She jabbed each button on the washer one by one, except for the button labeled "open door."

I walked over and hit that button, and Emi was freed. 

 

Act Confident

 

It may be more important than actually being confident when kids are involved. Kids above all require a sense of security, and only a parent who exhibits confidence will provide this for them.

Listen to my Family

 

This may be the toughest of all, since my multitasking abilities are terrible, and I must be calm and still in order to listen well, but being a house dad means, while the kids are awake, I almost never am.

My first responsibility is to serve my family, and only by listening well can I lead them well.

To be continued...

Of course, some or even all of these traits are not unique to being a man. Some traits are so universal they don't need to be on this list, for example, "Stand up for your values." Everyone should be doing that.

87. Architecture vs. Nature

While studying architecture at university, my friend ML, one of the most free-thinking persons I have ever met, stunned me with this statement: 

Trees are the ultimate architecture: they create space, are self-sustaining, build themselves, and clean the environment.

He was correct: the construction industry is totally backwards, because the building cycle consists of these steps {1}:

• reap natural resources
• ship them across the world
• re-form them into buildings
• after 30 years, demolish and send to landfill

A decade later, I read this by Tadao Ando, a renowned Japanese architect {2}:  

While I create buildings, I dream the day will come when children gather and read books under huge magnolia trees. I sometimes feel planting trees is my most important task.

Architects strive to create beautiful and functional spaces, but we can't outdo nature...yet. Until then we need to learn from her more, and stop killing her.



{1} This will change with the emergence of printers that can print buildings.  

{2} My favorite building is Mr. Ando's Church on the Water.

86. Development 2: Recognizing Humanity in Babies

My daughter asked me during breakfast last week, “Daddy, what are you thinking?”

I told her, “Not much, just about today's plans.”

I was still sleepy, so I didn't even notice that it was a profound statement. She understood that although I was still, my mind was moving. It demonstrates awareness, and I believe, love.

Why do I feel more love for her, the more she develops?

It's because the more she grows up, the more human she becomes to me, though it sounds strange. I tend to love humans more than anything else. I needed a lot of time to grow accustomed to the idea that my daughter was simply a small human. {1}

Have you ever witnessed a woman giving birth? The baby is covered in slime, its skin purple-pink, its skull elongated from having been squeezed through the birth canal. It's also screaming and quivering, and the way it moves will remind you of Kuato (the good part starts 20 seconds into the clip).

They are beautiful and amazing. But they don't look typically human.

When people lived in multi-generational households on farms with ten children, participating in birth at home was normal.

In my compartmentalized suburban and city life, I had never seen that process, and was frightened by it. I remember my parents had hidden the book about the reproductive system from an encyclopedia of the human body, permanently. 

I'm going to do things differently, since I don't want my kids to be frightened of babies when they grow up.



{1} Thanks to NMO for this idea, which he opened my mind with when I called to congratulate him about his firstborn JO, a year before Emi was born.